


it's more strange that only they have theirs open

by cypher (1719)



Series: strange [1]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Basically a transcribed podcast, Dialogue-Only, Humor, M/M, Welcome to Night Vale AU, Will probably be a series, and the rest of the boys just trying to survive night vale, featuring taehyung as cecil, hobi as a literal angel, jimin as carlos, jungkook as the unkillable intern, scientists - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:13:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24972112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1719/pseuds/cypher
Summary: "Hello listeners, my name is Kim Taehyung, and I am the host of your local community radio station, Tete FM.A new man came into town today. Who is he? What does he want from us? Why his perfect and beautiful haircut? Why his perfect and beautiful coat? Why his perfect smile with a perfect slightly crooked front tooth? He says he is a scientist. He says his name is Park Jimin.I fell in love instantly"-A Welcome to Night Vale AU, featuring Taehyung the Radio Host, Jimin the Beautiful Scientist, Namjoon the Perpetually Overwhelmed Mayor, Jungkook the Unkillable Intern, Hobi the Actual Angel, Yoongi the Record Store Owner, and Seokjin, the Seemingly Immortal Chef.
Relationships: Jeon Jungkook & Kim Taehyung | V, Jung Hoseok | J-Hope & Min Yoongi | Suga, Kim Taehyung | V/Park Jimin, Minor Jeon Jungkook/Kim Namjoon | RM - Relationship
Series: strange [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1807495
Comments: 5
Kudos: 37





	it's more strange that only they have theirs open

**Author's Note:**

> This is heavily inspired by the first episode of Welcome to Night Vale. You don't need to have listened to it to enjoy this fic, you just need to be willing to take things at face value.

“A friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.

Welcome to Night Vale. 

Hello, listeners. Since there are many newcomers to our town tonight and the bingo club just had their monthly amnesia themed bingo night, I thought it would be a good idea to re-introduce myself.

My name is Kim Taehyung, and I am the host of your local community radio station, Tete FM. I’ve been doing this for… goodness, I’m not even sure anymore. Jungkookie, how long have I been doing this?

Listeners, Jungkook is doing an interpretive dance through the studio window that could be interpreted as either seventeen or seven hundred years. Silly Jungkookie, do I look old enough to have been doing this for seven hundred years? I’ll have you know I’m only…”

[Static]

“So there! Go stare at Mayor Kim’s thighs.

Sorry about that listeners. So, to start things off, I’ve been asked to read this brief notice:

The City Council announces the opening of a new Dog Park at the corner of Earl and Somerset, near Jin’s Eatery. They would like to remind everyone that dogs are not allowed in the Dog Park. People are not allowed in the Dog Park.

It is possible you will see Hooded Figures in the Dog Park.

**Do not approach them. Do not approach the Dog Park.**

The fence is electrified and highly dangerous. Try not to look at the Dog Park, and especially do not look for any period of time at the Hooded Figures. The Dog Park will not harm you.

And now, the news.

Old Woman Josie, out near the Car Lot, says the Angels revealed themselves to her. Said they were ten feet tall, radiant, and one of them has a heart shaped smile. Said they helped her with various household chores. One of them changed a light bulb for her – the porch light. She’s offering to sell the old light bulb, which has been touched by an Angel. It was the Angel with a heart shaped smile, if that sweetens the pot for anyone. If you’re interested, contact Old Woman Josie. She’s out near the Car Lot.

This, listeners, is of course ridiculous. Angels aren’t real. Acknowledging their supposed existence is illegal. If you think you see a creature that resembles what you think an angel may be, go down to the bunker under the soccer field and contact the Sheriff’s Secret Police by doing the first eighteen counts of the chorus of Time Warp and then doing it again. Help will be with you shortly.

A new man came into town today. Who is he? What does he want from us? Why his perfect and beautiful haircut? Why his perfect and beautiful coat? Why his perfect smile with a perfect slightly crooked front tooth? He says he is a scientist. Well…we have all been scientists at one point or another in our lives. But why now? Why here? And just what does he plan to do with all those breakers and humming electrical instruments in that lab he’s renting – the one next to Jin’s Eatery?

No one does barbecue like Jin’s Eatery.  **Ņ̊ͤͭ̂ͥͭͣ́̐̃̒̽ͤ̂͌̄͝͏̖̤̞̮̘̣̖̥͔̯͡ŏ̯͇̼͒̆ͯ̍ͮͩ̓ͫͦ̏̀̾̍͜͠ ̧̗͚̣͙̿̈̄̆ͬ̀ͪ̂̆͜O̙̩̝̫͖͔̥̹̤̮̼̜͖̙̙͕̍̊̍̽͆̌̅ͭ͗̕͜n̵̵̷͍̯͚̳͚̤̗̂̅̌͆͒ͤ͐̎ͨ͢͝e̴̶̗̱͓̪͖ͬͭ̒ͩ͆̍͊ͥ̉̉͠͝**

You know, no one knows when Jin’s Eatery opened. Archeologists have found stone tablets engraved with what appears to be the very same items that appear on Jin’s Eatery’s menu today. I remember going to Jin’s Eatery with my parents as a child- gosh my hair was still red then- and Jin looked exactly the same as he does today. It’s almost as if he’s a- well, that’s enough stories about my childhood. Let’s move onto our next segment.

Just a reminder to all the parents out there: let’s talk about safety when taking your children out to play in the scrublands and the sand wastes. You need to give them plenty of water, make sure there’s a shade tree in the area, and keep an eye on the helicopter colors.

Are the unmarked helicopters circling the area black? Probably World Government. Not a good area for play that day.

Are they blue? That’s the Sheriff’s Secret Police. They’ll keep a good eye on your kids, and hardly ever take one.

Are they painted with complex murals depicting birds of prey diving? No one knows what those helicopters are, or what they want. Do not play in the area. Return to your home and lock the doors until a Sheriff’s Secret Policeman leaves a carnation on your porch to indicate that the danger has passed. Cover your ears to blot out the screams.

Also remember: Gatorade is basically soda, so give your kids plain old water and maybe some orange slices when they play.

A commercial airliner flying through local airspace disappeared today, only to reappear in the Night Vale Community College gymnasium during basketball practice, disrupting practice quite badly, or so Jungkook told me over Overwatch last night. The jet roared through the small gym for only a fraction of a second. And before it could strike any players or structure, it vanished again. This time, apparently, for good.

There is no word yet on if or how this will affect Night Vale Mountain Lions’ game schedule, and also if this could perhaps be the work of their bitter rivals the Desert Bluffs Cacti.

Desert Bluffs is always trying to show us up through fancier uniforms, better pre-game snacks, and possibly by transporting a commercial jet into our gymnasium, delaying practice for several minutes at least.

For shame, Desert Bluffs. For shame.

That new scientist – we now know it’s named Jimin– called a town meeting. He has small hands, and a smile that could light up the town hall. His hair is perfect, and we all hate, and despair, and love that perfect hair in equal measure.

Old Woman Josie brought corn muffins which were decent, but lacked salt. She said the Angels had taken her salt for a Godly mission, and she hadn’t yet gotten around to buying more. She also said the Angel with a heart shaped smile tried to buy some more for her, but due to the nature of his existence, he was unable to complete the transaction.

Jimin told us that we are by far the most scientifically interesting community in the U.S., and he had come to study just what is going on around here. He grinned, and everything about him was perfect, and I fell in love instantly.

Government agents from a vague yet menacing agency were in the back, watching. I fear for Jimin. I fear for Night Vale. I fear for anyone caught between what they know and what they don’t yet know that they don’t know.

We received a press release this morning. The Night Vale Business Association is proud to announce the opening of the brand new Night Vale Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area. I have been to these facilities myself recently on their invitation, and I can tell you that it is absolutely top of the line and beautiful.

Now, there is some concern about the fact that, given we are in the middle of a desert, there is no actual water at the waterfront. And that is a definite drawback, I agree.

For instance, the boardwalk is currently overlooking sagebrush and rocks. The Business Association did not provide any specific remedies for this problem, but they assured me that the new harbor would be a big boost to Night Vale nonetheless.

Maybe wait until a flash flood and head down there for the full waterfront experience.”

[Ringing]

“Oh! Listeners! We have a caller! Jungkookie, please stop playing with Yeontan and patch it through. Watch out for his tail, he’s starting to grow spikes. Listeners, let me tell you there is no better feeling than adopting a pet from your local shelter and watching it grow up safe and healthy. I adopted Yeontan a little over a year ago and he’s already growing baby spikes.

Ok listeners, here we have Min Yoongi, owner of Owl Records. I personally have known Yoongi my entire life, we are third cousins through my mother’s side. We have dinner together once a week. Hello hyung, what information do you have to share with all of Night Vale?”

“Hi Taetae, two things. First, I need everyone to stop trying to buy records from my record store.”

“I’m sorry hyung, but I just wanted to clarify this for the listeners. You, the owner of a records store, would like people to stop trying to buy records?”

“Correct. Second, stop saying Hobi doesn’t exist. It makes them sad.”

“Hobi?”

“The angel with the heart shaped smile. They very much exist, and it makes them sad when people say they don’t. How would you like it if people refused to acknowledge your existence?”

“Obviously I wouldn’t enjoy that, but you know the law hyung. Angels don’t exist.”

“Stop saying- you made them cry. Tell your intern to get Mayor Kim to change the laws next time he’s hiding in the bushes outside City Hall spying on him. I have to go comfort a crying angel because if they don’t stop crying soon I’ll start crying and then neither of us will be able to stop crying and it will disturb my cats.”

“Hyung, you know the law. If you think you see a creature that could be an angel you have to go to the bunker-”

“Yeah yeah, whatever, I’ll just get Jin-hyung to protect me. Bye Taetae.”

[Click]

“Well listeners, you heard Min Yoongi. Stop trying to buy records from his store.

In other news, the local chapter of the NRA is selling bumper stickers as part of their fundraising week. They sent the station one to get some publicity. And we’re here to serve the community, so I’m happy to let you all know about it. The stickers are made from good, sturdy vinyl, and they read:

**Guns don’t kill people.**

**It’s impossible to be killed by a gun.**

**We are all invincible to bullets and it’s a miracle.**

Stand outside of your front door and shout “NRA!” to order one.

Jimin and his team of scientists warn that one of the houses in the new development of Desert Creek, out back of the elementary school, doesn’t actually exist.

“It seems like it exists,” explained Jimin and his perfect hair. “Like it’s just right there when you look at it. And it’s between two other identical houses, so it would make more sense for it to be there than not.”

But, he says, they have done experiments and the house is definitely not there. At news time, the scientists are standing in a group on the sidewalk in front of the nonexistent house, daring each other to go knock on the door.

A great howling was heard from the Night Vale Post Office yesterday. Postal workers claim no knowledge, although passers-by describe the sound as being a little like a human soul being destroyed through black magic.

I’ll send Jungkook to investigate tomorrow, provided the howling occurs again tonight.

Lights. Seen in the sky above the Arby’s. Not the glowing sign of Arby’s. Something higher, and beyond that. We know the difference. We’ve caught on to their game. We understand the “lights above Arby’s” game.

Invaders from another world.

Ladies and gentlemen, the future is here, and it’s about 100 feet above the Arby’s.

Jimin and his scientists at the monitoring station near Route 800 say their seismic monitors have been indicating wild seismic shifts – meaning to say that the ground should be going up and down all over the place. I don’t know about you folks, but the ground has been as still as the crust of a tiny globe rocketing through an endless void could be.

Jimin says that they’ve double-checked the monitors and they are in perfect working order. To put it plainly, there appears to be catastrophic earthquakes happening right here in Night Vale that absolutely no one can feel.

Well, submit an insurance claim anyway. See what you can get, right?

Traffic time, listeners.

Now, police are issuing warnings about ghost cars out on the highways, those cars only visible in the distance reaching unimaginable speeds leaving destinations unknown for destinations more unknown. They would like to remind you that you should not set your speed by these apparitions, and doing so will not be considered “following the flow of traffic.”

However, they do say that it’s probably safe to match speed with the mysterious lights in the sky, as whatever entities or organizations responsible appear to be cautious and reasonable drivers.

And now, the weather.”

[“Epiphany" Artist: S̸͕͎̭͈͖͙͓̗̫͉̝̩̣͈̜̼̉̈́͊͆̏͛ͦ̆͛̃̎ͬ̆͟e͑́͗̏͗ͨͯͣͫ͏̵̧͈̱͓͍̗̮͍̦̣̞͜o̵̴̢̔̀͛ͣ̅ͯ̐̏ͬͤ̽͠҉͈͕̘̹̟͍̠̟̞͕̻͕̱̘͈͔̝͕̲k̆́ͤ͋̏ͣ͂̈́͏͔͉̠̣͇̰͙̩͕̩̯̫̣̹̼̳͈͍̩j̧̲̦̘̥͉̼͍͔̠͙̘̝̗͖͛ͣ͋ͤ͒͗̒͐ͩ͝ͅỉ̧̢ͭ͐̓̐̀͛ͮ̍҉̶̢͚͚̖͓̪͙̰͇͓̬͍̞̜͙͉̱͇ͅṇ̶̷̖̞͇͔͕̠̮͔͔͇͎̜̝͉̀̉ͯ͊͐̐̃ͯ̎̋̅ͥ̊ͮ̀̃̽̚͡]

“Welcome back, listeners.

On the line we have Mayor Kim, here with an important announcement for our town. Hello Mayor Kim, thank you so much for choosing Taetae FM as your trusted source for distributing life altering information.”

“Well it’s literally city law that all citizens tune in to your radio show every night on the pain of excruciating not-death, so I figured this was the best way to communicate with the town.”

“You flatter me, Mayor Kim. Now what information did you have to share with our listeners?”

“So, yeah. I’ve only been here for a few months, I still don’t know how I got here, or got elected mayor-”

“Ah, listeners, it seems our mayor is a comedian as well as our fearless leader. Everyone knows that mayors are chosen by interpreting the loud pulses coming from Hidden Gorge.”

“Yeah, so you’ve explained to me before. Anyway, I actually wanted to talk to you about Jimin.”

“Oh? Have you also fallen in love with his perfect hair and perfect smile and adorable tiny hands and-”

“I’m gonna cut you off there. No, I haven’t. I haven’t even met him yet. I actually found this really cool crab under my bed last night that I think manifested from my dreams, but I don’t know what to feed him because he hovers five feet above the ground and glows. I wanted to see if he could figure out what he eats using science.”

“Ah, well that’s perfectly acceptable then. I will certainly pass on your question. Tell me, Mayor Kim, what changes do you have planned for our great city?”

“Taehyung, it was only last night that I was finally able to walk to Jin’s Eatery and back without breaking over twenty laws. I just want to feed my crab without getting possibly radioactive substances splashed all over me.”

“Well you know what they say, the more radioactive the substance the more likely it is that you’ll get a good deal on sneakers the next month.”

“I did not know they said that.”

“Well, we learn new things every day Mayor Kim. In fact, let me send Jungkookie over to help you with your crab situation, I know he would love to be of assistance.”

“Thanks Taehyung.”

[Click]

“Listeners, that was our revered mayor. Remember to send him your bloodstone tributes before the next full moon, or risk the wrath of thirty three angry frogs.

In other news, the sun didn’t set at the correct time today, Jimin and his team of scientists report. They’re quite certain about it. They checked multiple clocks and the sun definitely set ten minutes later than it was supposed to.

I asked them if they had any explanations but they did not offer anything concrete. Mostly they sat in a circle around a desk clock, staring at it, murmuring, and cooing.

Jimin smiled at me. My heart stopped beating in its chest. 

Still, we must be grateful to have the sun at all. It’s easy to forget in this hot, hot, hot desert climate, but things would actually be slightly harder for us without the sun. I’m sure, though, if the sun did for some reason decide not to rise, Jimin’s smile would be bright enough to light up the town for us. 

The next time the sun rises, whatever time that turns out to be, take a moment to feel grateful for all the warmth and light and even, yes, extreme heat that our desert community is gifted with.

The City Council would like to remind you about the tiered Heavens, and the hierarchy of Angels. The reminder is that you should not know anything about this.

The structure of Heaven and the organizational chart are privileged information, known only to the City Council members on a need-to-know basis. Please do not speak to or acknowledge any Angels that you may come across while shopping at Jin’s or at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. They only tell lies and do not exist.

Report all Angel sightings to the City Council for treatment, regardless of what shape their smile seems to resemble.

And now a brief public service announcement.

Alligators: can they kill your children?

Yes.

Along those lines, to get personal for a moment, I think the best way to die would be swallowed by a giant snake. Going feet-first and whole into a slimy maw would give your life perfect symmetry.

Speaking of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, its owner, Teddy Williams, reports that he has found the entrance to a vast underground city in the pin retrieval area of Lane 5. He said he has not yet ventured into it; merely peered down at its strange spires and broad avenues.

He also reports voices of a distant crowd in the depths of that subterranean metropolis. Apparently the entrance was discovered when a bowling ball accidentally rolled into it, clattering down to the city below with sounds that echoed for miles across the impossibly huge cavern.

So, you know, whatever population that city has, they know about us now, and we might be hearing from them very soon.

Jimin, perfect and beautiful, came into our studios during the break earlier but declined to stay for an interview. He had some sort of blinking box in his hand covered with wires and tubes. Said he was testing the place for “materials.”

I don’t know what materials he meant but that box sure whistled and beeped a lot. When he put it close to the microphone it sounded like, well, like a bunch of baby birds had just woken up. Really went crazy.

Jimin looked nervous. I’ve never seen that kind of look on someone with that cute of a nose. He left in a hurry. Told us to evacuate the building. But then, who would be here to talk sweetly to all of you out there?

Settling in to be another clear night and pretty evening here in Night Vale. I hope all of you out there have someone to sleep through it with. Or, at least, good memories of when you did. Tune in tomorrow night for an exclusive interview with Seokjin of Jin’s Eatery.

Goodnight, listeners. Goodnight.

_ Today’s proverb: Look to the north. Keep looking. There’s nothing coming from the south. _

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in half an hour while trying to keep my brother from stealing my laptop. I wanna turn this into a series, maybe even move from podcast transcript to a script not all dialogue based, so that'll happen at some point. Catch me on Twitter or ask my anything in my CC, linked below :)
> 
> Stream Stay Gold and On.
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/myhopebox) // [cc](https://t.co/jciZ9TVHOv?amp=1)


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